A Day, A Moment, A Meaning?

  My brother  is quite troubled right now. Everyone who cares about him is concerned. On Wednesday he told me that he was going to a neurologist on Thursday and she was going to sign disability papers. Then he was going to go into a physical rehab to deal with the issues of the concussion he has from slipping and falling. So I called Thursday morning and evening, yesterday morning. Others are doing the same. He called aunt Honey, 95 next month, on Thursday morning. She was out and called back later, leaving a message. Since then, calling Honey Thursday morning, no one has been able to get in touch with him. I was wondering; "Did he go into rehab and leave his phone at home? Is he dead," he has had one "attempt" in the past, WHAT GIVES? Then last night his childhood Ohio friend Chip called the Evensville local cops to go check on him. So I and others sat around for an hour and a half last night waiting to hear. Finally Chip called me at 9:45 and reporte...

  Texts this morning to my brother. He had sent me photos of some attractive woman he wanted in the past or felt something for.: “Yeah, probably not at this point, especially since you have stated that you don't care what you look like. You probably could meet up with women via Tinder or OKcupid. But probably not a lot of attractive young women. Interested in fat midwesterners? There is a billion of them out there. Plus you might have to put all your sorrow aside if you want to do, or TRY, anything new. It seems like you spend a lot of time missing the past and those who inhabited the past but are no longer available. You seem to travel from missing your parents, to missing people like this girl Nicolette after some minimal connection, then it goes to the cats of your former life.  Maybe if you found something new to focus on, a hobby, I don't know SOMETHING other than this dismal marry-go-round of "Missing" and sorrow.  One can come to wonder if you care at all that ...

  He was sad and very lonely. He had no relationship with the world he lived in, with nature and the stars. The only stars he knew were other passing people who were blasted at him with sophisticated technology or delivered on variations of plastic disks. This above is not about me. I posted it on Facebook. It’s me thinking about my sad brother who is living in isolation in Evansville Indiana, there for a job the last 2 and a half years. An old friend of his called me yesterday afternoon. He is worried. My brother weeps on the phone telling me how much he misses our parents. But my dad has been dead 20 years and mom and swift airplane accident at age 45, and actually about 45 years ago.  His friend doesn’t know what to do, neither do I. He has a history of alcoholism, but claims he is sober now. He listens to sad pop music for lonely teens with love issues. Yesterday I sent this to a friend who is down in Mexico right now. “ Yes, I'm attempting to get a handle of what I need t...

  Jan 15 Now the building this apartment Is in is squeezing me out of here pronto. They want to charge the owner 1,900 a month more, casting me as a sublet. So I exit from this place, maybe NYC, maybe out of my stupid life might have to happen right away or I’m going to have to shell out some dough so that Joan can be secure when she lay dying which seems that it ought to be the right of any human. Any human has that right to be safe and comfortable on this planet which we are part of, but it's set up by social groupings to be more and more impossible for more that I few. I had a pretty easy time up until now. Maybe I still will, maybe Mexico will open something up for me. But if a USAer goes to someplace like that does their very presence limit or harm the local people trying to live there. Can even a poor USAer upset the balance of things so much that it is better for the people there if they just stay away. There are either too many people and it makes us insane or people are ju...

  I was thinking about T and how she was so kind and loving to be but showed me long held resentment later: There was probably more acting as if going on than I was really aware. Maybe a lot more buried anger than I knew, only seeing rare surface eruptions.  I’m probably just trying to talk myself out of missing her company, of needing her.  However much she was acting as if, she was wonderful to be with pretty much all of the time. The big issue now is that I have to move from this apartment in 2.5 months. This scares me a lot, but I also see it as a good opportunity to change gears completely and go live somewhere else. The options are try to find a new living situation in NYC and continue working at ASL and other modeling to finance in all, or leave NYC, which to me means leave the USA because I don’t really want to live anywhere else in the horrible country. Why horrible? The whole history of the place is nothing but death and exploitation which destroying any other c...

  Of course I knew it was coming, but I just found out that I have to leave this apartment on April 1. I’ve been living in this space since mid-May. It has gone on longer than I had first been told so it’s been a good thing. I did use it to get out of T apartment and ultimately her entire world. I am still grieving the loss of her in my life. She was a lot and filled my life with her love and interaction. I spoke to Mary, my therapist this morning. At that point I didn’t know that I was going to have to move. I mean, of course, I knew I had to move but I didn’t know when. Now I know when and it is less than three months away. I’m scared. I have another appointment with Mary next Thursday. Maybe she can help me figure out what I can do. I could pick up and leave the country. I don’t think I want to live anywhere else in the USA other than NYC, but I don’t know if perhaps it is time for me to look into something radically different. I have thought about just ending my life when I lea...

  I got up early today. 4am. I don’t have any work today. So I’m kind of trying to take care of myself and some things that can get out of hand if I’m not vigilant. Specifically I’m referring to caffeine and THC. Since I don’t need to do anything today other than read and nap, I don’t need to pump myself up to stay awake which can get me over stimulated and anxious. Then I’m more likely to use THC the space out and sleep. I had also been using the THC as a means to feeling I could be more sexual, or had the desire to be. I could in the past start a pot binge and end up wanting and seeking out anonymous sexual encounters with other males. I have wondered that, if things were different, if women were more commonly expressive in this way, would I seek out anonymous women to have set with. But then I go back to the horrible shameful occurrence when I was a kid discovered on my knees with older boys around me with their pants open and the confrontation after by my parents, “Did he put h...

  It’s a Sunday evening. I did a three hour zoom pose this afternoon. It was for a class I am working with in Park Slope. I’m glad I didn’t have to go to Park Slope today. It takes over an hour to get there from Forest Hills. It’s after 8. Actually I’m intending to get away from pot this week, but maybe not tonight yet. Not sure. I guess I wall watch TV and see what happens. Feels weird typing 2022, but then again  21 was kind of weird too. .

  It was not all that OK With me when it all began and I was only 62. But the 60s, and the last 60s was really an aging time for me. I shifted from being more or less middle-aged to elderly I mean I can feel thing in my body. This is not a good trend or not one that I welcome with delight because I don't have to capacity to support myself if I can't work because my SS is on 422 a month.  We were an economic failure as a couple. T had health challenges that kept her out of work for months at a time, about three of these. We are now both art models but don't have jobs. I did well with the CARES ACT that has left me with 16,000 in my checking account so I have some options on my own. If we want to live together it would have to be way out there in the burbs was a hefty fare on the LIRR. And I never wanted to live in the burbs with the care and the Trump banners and having to get a ride to the far away (40 minute walk) to the train. And her parents and like 10 and 12 years YOUN...