January 10, 2022

 I was thinking about T and how she was so kind and loving to be but showed me long held resentment later:

There was probably more acting as if going on than I was really aware. Maybe a lot more buried anger than I knew, only seeing rare surface eruptions. 

I’m probably just trying to talk myself out of missing her company, of needing her. 

However much she was acting as if, she was wonderful to be with pretty much all of the time.

The big issue now is that I have to move from this apartment in 2.5 months.
This scares me a lot, but I also see it as a good opportunity to change gears completely and go live somewhere else. The options are try to find a new living situation in NYC and continue working at ASL and other modeling to finance in all, or leave NYC, which to me means leave the USA because I don’t really want to live anywhere else in the horrible country. Why horrible? The whole history of the place is nothing but death and exploitation which destroying any other countries' attempt to help the people because our corporations don’t like it. 

So I have a friend in Mexico and he connected me with his sister down there so I might just try that. I’m a little overwhelmed right now though because I joined like three Mexico expat groups on Facebook and have absorbed a lot of information.
I’m just scared.

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