A Diary Dec 13, 2021

 Riding to work on the subway from Harlem where I am cat sitting for another week. Same as last week. Standby for morning class where I usually have to hang around for 3.5 hours if they don’t use me. 

Last week I got high in the morning which put me in nap mode in the cafe. This week I’m not going to use in the morning. It makes my days too hard to do that plus I have chest muscle pain when it makes me cough from previous violent coughing. 

Still thinking about T a lot. I had a sort of dream where I was permitted to hug her. It was nice. It all it starting to feel like long ago I had this person I could be close to who loved me. It feels kind of impossible now.

I don’t feel like the kind of man who needs to be blocked on Facebook. I was really quite loving toward T, it was easy. That’s the way I feel about her. I should have handled the past few months differently than I did. I let things unravel much further than I ever intended. I just wanted to live in NYC again, and not go back to the burbs. But that set off a chain of events and maybe misunderstandings. I just wanted NYC and to pull away from sex which ultimately might have been what most offended. I was supposed to stay away front pot and since sex is associated with pot to me I wanted to try to stay away from both. But I didn’t want her to feel bonded to me and end up having to take care of me as I age. Apparently I couldn’t trim some bonding sexual intimicy from the relationship without killing it.