January 3, 2022

 I got up early today. 4am. I don’t have any work today. So I’m kind of trying to take care of myself and some things that can get out of hand if I’m not vigilant. Specifically I’m referring to caffeine and THC. Since I don’t need to do anything today other than read and nap, I don’t need to pump myself up to stay awake which can get me over stimulated and anxious. Then I’m more likely to use THC the space out and sleep. I had also been using the THC as a means to feeling I could be more sexual, or had the desire to be. I could in the past start a pot binge and end up wanting and seeking out anonymous sexual encounters with other males. I have wondered that, if things were different, if women were more commonly expressive in this way, would I seek out anonymous women to have set with. But then I go back to the horrible shameful occurrence when I was a kid discovered on my knees with older boys around me with their pants open and the confrontation after by my parents, “Did he put his pee pee in your mouth.” or some variations on that.

At any rate the THC is not doing to me what it has in the past sexually or really another other creative way, It’s just about zoning out now and that is not healthy for me right now. I feel the need to accumulate as much money as I can while I can still work. That is still happening, still, but it is hurt by expenditures on pot which can get as high are 150 a week if I’m going full tilt. Anyway, I’m tapering off and might not do it at all tonight or tomorrow night. I’m working my way out of this again now. Then I will write more and remember things better. It murders my memory.

SInce COVID is still going on I’ve become aware that casting auditions are mostly video now and I should get on that and maybe do another go at acting. I have had some success with it and made a bit of money. And I can probably still memorize well enough to do more movies, remember my lines.

It’s a weird moment for me. Since T is shunning me, I am really isolated. Knowing what I have been told about sustaining humans, this doesn’t seem like a very healthy situation for me. It’s hard to tell. I’m so far from the natural habitat for healthy humans, really surviving in an artificial situation. That distance front natural makes it difficult to assess the situation for myself. I feel generally OK, with the loneliness, I mean not feeling that it is a lot different for when I with someone and anxious because of that.

The city has elected a cop for a mayor. He brought back keeping prisoners in solitary confinement. He was elected during a TV crime wave. 
Like random shooting stories pumped up, hyped up to be a fearful situation, media generated fear. So now this idiot cop after the 2020 of Black Lives Matter and Defund the Police.

It seems natural to me that I would be sad, anxious, and kind of lonely now. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and feel a little bit scared. I would really hug and cuddle T if I were sleeping with her. And I always loved sleeping with her.
But it’s natural; it’s winter now, been cloudy-dark, and today was kind of cold. I took two walks outside anyway. Meanwhile the country is falling apart and it's not going to end at all well. The far right wingers are finally going to take full control of the USA.

The other day I was sitting here at the computer and something happened in my mind and perceptions. It was like the visual was shifting horizontally.
“Am I having a stroke?!?” It passed quickly. But what would happen if something would happen to me and I was alone here? Would if I was aware of something happening and I could call for help. Would I be able to resist and let wherever needed to happen happen? Or would some survival thing click in and I would be helpless to do anything but cray for help?

If there is ever a read:
I don’t reread, edit and correct these things. I just let it go. 

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