January 19, 2022

 Texts this morning to my brother. He had sent me photos of some attractive woman he wanted in the past or felt something for.:


“Yeah, probably not at this point, especially since you have stated that you don't care what you look like. You probably could meet up with women via Tinder or OKcupid. But probably not a lot of attractive young women. Interested in fat midwesterners? There is a billion of them out there.

Plus you might have to put all your sorrow aside if you want to do, or TRY, anything new. It seems like you spend a lot of time missing the past and those who inhabited the past but are no longer available. You seem to travel from missing your parents, to missing people like this girl Nicolette after some minimal connection, then it goes to the cats of your former life. 

Maybe if you found something new to focus on, a hobby, I don't know SOMETHING other than this dismal marry-go-round of "Missing" and sorrow. 

One can come to wonder if you care at all that we all have very difficult things in our lives that we have to deal with, things that make us feel sad if we dwell on them too long. 

I guess we are just stoic.”

He responded that he has no “will” to do anything and had to find that. So I typed:

“I have tons of grief and sorrow right now myself. I miss S the Cat too.  I could send you photos of T and S in the mornings texted to me, hundreds of them, or O, the cat before S who died in my arms. But I don't even want to look at photos of T and S right now because I know it will make me sad.


I also don't even know where I will be in a month and a half. I'm basically homeless ya know.

A will? I go from, "I'll try this, it could work out nicely." To "I'll probably be dead in a year or so and I don't even give a shit it's almost over anyway."


I guess the inverse of "Where there is a will, there is a way." Is "No will? No way."’

It’s kind of funny that I use the cat’s letter instead of name to apparently protect her privacy.
As if anyone will even need to read this.

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