Jan 18, 2022

 He was sad and very lonely.

He had no relationship with the world he lived in, with nature and the stars.

The only stars he knew were other passing people who were blasted at him with sophisticated technology or delivered on variations of plastic disks.

This above is not about me. I posted it on Facebook. It’s me thinking about my sad brother who is living in isolation in Evansville Indiana, there for a job the last 2 and a half years. An old friend of his called me yesterday afternoon. He is worried. My brother weeps on the phone telling me how much he misses our parents. But my dad has been dead 20 years and mom and swift airplane accident at age 45, and actually about 45 years ago. 
His friend doesn’t know what to do, neither do I. He has a history of alcoholism, but claims he is sober now. He listens to sad pop music for lonely teens with love issues.

Yesterday I sent this to a friend who is down in Mexico right now.

“Yes, I'm attempting to get a handle of what I need to do up here before going anywhere.

I think I should get a credit card if I can. I just have the debit and I think it is more risky to run a stolen or lost debit card than a credit card. MLK day here so I'll call Capital One the bank I use tomorrow to see if they will give me a credit card that I can secure for them with some of the 16000 in the checking account.

I think it is lovely that you are being supportive and I really appreciate that.

I don't particularly feel comfortable about having Susan have to assist me, but I am intrigued by the notion of a host family for the first few months there, so I can get oriented and get better in Spanish, I'm not horrible at Spanish, just bad. Plus I can pantomime. Meanwhile SMA seems so Yankee-heavy that one can get by without Spanish. 

Meanwhile I have basically driven T out of my life after 8 years of practically hourly young love-like interaction.  

So I'm kind of heartbroken by that although I know it was the right thing to do. I miss her and have felt a bit lonely for the first time.

I have also gotten rid of a lifetime of possessions. Including original Super8 movies of Jolly Ramey and EVERYTHING THROWN AWAY. There is a bit of grief attached to that with the relief of getting free of all that. 

When I leave NYC and head there I will have all I own with me, I think in two small backpacks. One to be worn in from the other on my back. And no home in the USA.

Do I need SIM card for my iphone? I guess I can get one down there.

Of course I'm a USA babyboomer with all the romantic notions attached to that. So Mexico. It's those FABULOUS B Traven novels and the amazing expat underground story of HIS life. 

No one reads Traven but me apparently I have read all his novels and stories. 

Maybe I can bring Traven back to young Mexicans. They don't know him either. I'm asked.

The Jungle novels, not necessarily Treasure of Sierra Madre, 

The DEATH slip is a great look at the free flow of humanity stifled by nationalism and its rules, 'Show me your papers'. 

THe beautiful story if indiginous confounding family tragedy with THe Bridge in the Jungle one of my favorite novels ever  

And I want to write. Not to be particularly published about anything like that but to find out who I am and WFT happened.

I have to establish someone in the US to take my mail, of which there is very little.  

I'm kind of a nutty bohemian, but hardly dangerous. After all, I was a Waldorf School nursery class assistant for a year and a half only 10 years ago. 

Could even childcare there and teach them English in tandem.

My middle-class friends help me quite a bit at no cost to them. I'm the cat sitter, etc.

Today I think I would fly in and wear my new blue suit, tie and fedora.

I sure will not miss Forest Hills. It's NYC, yes, so subways, but kinda too suburban for me.

Things are shaky at the Art Students League for the first time. I mean, it's not presenting itself and a secure income source for me going forward. 

So another sign of ending here. I'm getting tired of modeling anyway. It's a lot of staring at walls for hours. (I'm doing three zoom classes a week until the end of the month. ASL has closed live classes for Jan. Makes us models wonder what is really going on there.

So housing, job, GF all changing simultaneously. Little wonder my head sometimes spins.

I can't really see trying to get old here on 422 a month when I can't get work any longer. Better off trying something radical.

I'll download Whatsapp again.”

I’m worried about my future. Sometimes I don’t even want to bother with the future. It just seems like I’m going to be poor and in someone’s way no matter what I do.

Now I’m looking an Expat in Columbia Facebook group which lets in another line of information. It’s all a bit overwhelming. 

 

I just now applied for a credit card online with the bank I used. They say it went through, but I’ll believe that when I see it.

I really do miss T terribly much, still. It is really hard but I know she is just better off without me.
The art school is not appearing to really be recovering front COVID, I have no place to live after February.
I wish I could just die now. I feel like I’ve had enough and don’t really want to go somewhere poorer with my money and make life harder for the people trying to live there. There are too many people and I;m one of them, old and worn out.