A Day, A Moment, A Meaning?

   I don’t know how long I continue this modeling. Makes me tired bored sometimes clostraphobic like a really want to move and not be stuck in position. I’m feeling lonely because I really did alienate my longtime girl this time.  I have to live for myself now. Have a reason for going on. I sent her a text this morning she didn’t respond.  I got high on Thanksgiving and am continuing with that. It always makes me feel real insecure and lost.  I’m not boyfriend material but I really do miss her. She is young and will forget me. I will never forget her. So was a special angel to me.  I started the three week standing pose yesterday. It’s in an afternoon class for Costa. I hope I can actually do this. It is really boring and then my troubled mind comes into the picture. The tiredness for loneliness. It can get to me sometimes.  I don’t know who I am without my girlfriend, without this relationship. I need to find a new identity. I’m not the man who lives ...

  I’m on the subway moving back to Forest Hills after a week cat sitting in Inwood. It was a nice week. I had to work morning classes but generally had a restful time that included some very beautiful autumn woods walks. We had nice fall weather here in NYC, it’s only now getting colder.  Yesterday afternoon I went to The Blue Door. It is a video store sex shop in the East Village. It has been there many years. They charge $15 to go into the basement where there is cruising and open public sex. This is what I like it for. I had sex with 2 men during my time there. And not at the same time but two different encounters. The second man wanted to be fucked as he moved his ass to me cock whike I was standing.  That was pretty hot. I never fuck in these places. It was hot. I might like to do that again.  But now I return to Clyde St in Queens  I like it there. Suits me fine for now. I can get to work.  I saw Joan, the woman who owns the apartment, on Thanksgiving...

  A dream: Ozzie Nelson was sitting on the couch. I was talking about how strange it was that I was living with Ozzie who I watched on TV in my childhood. Ozzie is on the couch but then Harriet starts talking to me. She is an attractive adult woman and it seems that she is hitting on me a bit. ---- The much younger woman; I really had to leave her because she said that my actions in the past would have been a deal breaker if I was anyone else. I was to remain sober off of pot but also assure her that I would not offend her in the future. I can likely not use pot. I like to write and I really can’t do that if I’m getting high, but I couldn’t honestly say that I wouldn’t hurt her in the future. What I did was abandon her in the middle of a long term medical issue that was causing her a lot of pain. She was waiting for surgery in a month to fix it. I just wanted to be out of the burbs in the winter when it is worse than ever with waiting for the train outside before dawn after scrapin...

  I had a dream: I was watching TV with my father. It was a small TV on the floor. There is an image of people walking on a daylight street in a city, but the part of the city with only two story buildings. We have been watching it for a while but the sound is off. I turn to dad: “I don’t know what is going on here. There must be narration telling the story.” I get up and walk to the other side of the apartment which is the kitchen area. My mother had been washing pastel and white colored plastic dishes and utensils that we found somewhere. They are all piled up in the dish drainer by the sink. There is a sad empty feeling about the scene. I don’t know if I did the right thing distancing myself from my young lover. Is there a right thing? Does every road lead to a different variation of disaster? I had my eyes looked at yesterday afternoon. I got a new prescription for glasses. The doctor said the ones I have been using are too strong. He was not so concerned about the cataracts an...