A Diary November 30, 2021

  I don’t know how long I continue this modeling. Makes me tired bored sometimes clostraphobic like a really want to move and not be stuck in position. I’m feeling lonely because I really did alienate my longtime girl this time.  I have to live for myself now. Have a reason for going on. I sent her a text this morning she didn’t respond. 

I got high on Thanksgiving and am continuing with that. It always makes me feel real insecure and lost. 

I’m not boyfriend material but I really do miss her. She is young and will forget me. I will never forget her. So was a special angel to me. 

I started the three week standing pose yesterday. It’s in an afternoon class for Costa. I hope I can actually do this. It is really boring and then my troubled mind comes into the picture. The tiredness for loneliness. It can get to me sometimes. 

I don’t know who I am without my girlfriend, without this relationship. I need to find a new identity. I’m not the man who lives on Long Island with my girlfriend, her cat, in her parent’s house.

Still at work. My day, 9 hours on the clock, is finally winding down. About 25 minutes to go. The teacher John is here and don’t a demo with the other model. About 25 minutes and I’m headed for the subway.


At the end of class the teacher said that my old girlfriend and I are scheduled in his painting class and he told me that he wanted to move that platforms so we could pose together. I told him that we broke up. He said, “Ok we won’t do that then.”

I’m a exhibitionist, I could do it always up for posing

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