Diary Nov 24, 2021

 A dream: Ozzie Nelson was sitting on the couch. I was talking about how strange it was that I was living with Ozzie who I watched on TV in my childhood. Ozzie is on the couch but then Harriet starts talking to me. She is an attractive adult woman and it seems that she is hitting on me a bit.

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The much younger woman; I really had to leave her because she said that my actions in the past would have been a deal breaker if I was anyone else. I was to remain sober off of pot but also assure her that I would not offend her in the future. I can likely not use pot. I like to write and I really can’t do that if I’m getting high, but I couldn’t honestly say that I wouldn’t hurt her in the future. What I did was abandon her in the middle of a long term medical issue that was causing her a lot of pain. She was waiting for surgery in a month to fix it. I just wanted to be out of the burbs in the winter when it is worse than ever with waiting for the train outside before dawn after scraping the frost off the frozen car.
She hurt me as well but I don’t like to get into the “you did this to me in the past” accusation stuff. I don’t like when it is done to me and I have to try to remember the situations and how I felt at the time. It’s all kind of impossible for me. It ended up being a deal breaker for me regarding her. Maybe, because I’m 70 years old and was high at the time, but it is difficult for me to reconstruct what went on some years ago.

I have found a reason that I write things, a reason TO write things. I’m reading a book called The Denial of Death. It’s psychology and all, how we deal with the fact that we are sort of intelligent and therefore God-like, but also just creatures who will quickly pass. This creates neurosis which there are many ways to deal with. One of these is art, in my case just writing. 


On my way to work on the subway. Thanksgiving is tomorrow so no work. I’m happy about that. I’m not enjoying this two week pose and the person in charge of the pose is not that bright and is annoying me with repeated small corrections that I don’t particularly think are necessary. So only today and Friday and I’m finished with this. Next week, although I work three classes, should be a lot better. Plus I’m starting a new pose on Sunday in Brooklyn. Three hour class for 13 Sundays. It goes all the way through February.


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