A Diary Nov 23, 2021

 I had a dream: I was watching TV with my father. It was a small TV on the floor. There is an image of people walking on a daylight street in a city, but the part of the city with only two story buildings.

We have been watching it for a while but the sound is off.
I turn to dad: “I don’t know what is going on here. There must be narration telling the story.”
I get up and walk to the other side of the apartment which is the kitchen area. My mother had been washing pastel and white colored plastic dishes and utensils that we found somewhere. They are all piled up in the dish drainer by the sink.
There is a sad empty feeling about the scene.

I don’t know if I did the right thing distancing myself from my young lover.
Is there a right thing? Does every road lead to a different variation of disaster?

I had my eyes looked at yesterday afternoon. I got a new prescription for glasses. The doctor said the ones I have been using are too strong. He was not so concerned about the cataracts and said to return in a year.
I don’t know if I will be around NYC or the country in a year. I dream of taking off SOMEWHERE after the temporary home I am in ends. I don’t know when that will be.


The idea that I didn’t do the right things in dealing with my beautiful young woman friend doesn’t come up and fill me with doubt. I can’t hold on to everything and she did say that how I treated her in the past would be a deal breaker with anyone else, but she loved me so much that she couldn’t let me go. Yet there were very angry scenes with her. The anger coming from her. I remember being in her apartment the evening after I had sent her a carefully thought out email, that I even cleared with my therapist. She was angry with me. Was she defensive, feeling shamed by what I had written about my troubles with her going forward with this dominant new lover? My therapist had thought what I wrote was good but wondered if my young lover was “emotionally mature” enough to understand it. It appears she was not. That was a critical point/moment for me. It made me feel unheard and misunderstood. 


Coming out of the subway this morning there were four men sprawled out sleeping on a landing of the steps coming out of the subway. This is right by the gleaming new towers of “billionaire’s row” on 57th Street in Manhattan.

Watched a documentary 4 hours at The Capitol. Cops and Trump supporters are interviewed. The Trump boys still sure that they are right. One long haired young man said 840,000 children go missing every year. They are tortured and sexually molested. This justified his entry with the mob into The Capitol. He had 4 joints with him that they smoked in the rotundum. We see this in the documentary.
These people are lucky the cops used such restraint and didn’t just open fire on them. Only one shot and killed.

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