A Diary December 10, 2021

 Still feeling like I’m missing T. I was thinking about sending her a normal morning text, “Good Morning!” like we always used to do.

I just don’t want her to think that I didn’t like her and love her, because I actually did.
I can’t really meet with her right now anyway. I’ve been using pot and am not entirely present. This is also a big factor in my unhappiness. I don’t like what pot does to my emotions. It’s brings them way down and makes me feel incapable and lost. I wish T had avoided getting involved with this pot addict. I’m a hard person to deal with, because of that and because of the underlying things that cause me to go toward being high all the time. I think I have told T a number of times that I just think she is wonderful, which I do, and that it’s my own psychological problems that keep us apart. She is probably tired of hearing that. She is maybe tired of everything ME and anything negative I want to say about it. I would be. I put her in an impossible position. It would be lovely if the universe gave us what we need whether we want it or not and that I was that for T and helped her to grow in a significant way. I can dream for the best out of all the sadness attached to the moment. I only have my hopes and dreams right now. I have hope of T being happier and of me being at peace after a few more interesting wrap up years. Can I stretch that to a decade? 

I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to get close to someone and then not be able to deal with it and want to get out. I don’t want this pattern to repeat. It’s to hard of me and on other people and I’m too old to handle it anymore. It sticks in the underside of my brain for too long.


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