A Diary Dec 1, 2021

 Thinking of the teacher yesterday wanting to do two portrait class with T and I posing together. This is Varriano. He approached me after class and said the you and I are booked into his portrait class together and he wants to move the furniture around and arrange so we could pose together. 

I told him we probably couldn’t do that now.
I don’t think I understand how much people love couples and are happy to see people together. I was wrong to be worried about the way it would make T look to be with a man so much older. It would make her look like a Daddy chaser. I gave T a hard time over that. It is really about my own self esteem. People want to celebrate love. See it and paint it. But I’m somehow ashamed of it. 

I don’t want to pull a loved one down to the level where I have myself. I don’t believe in myself.


In the past: I couldn’t believe in Jolly Ramey or any of the relationships I have been in. I can’t believe in me, so I can’t believe in US. Jolly Ramey could have never been a success because of me not believing it was possible. I carry a lot of guilt about this because Madi put so much of her young life into it and it ended up just nothing. 

This is sad for me to deal with. I also have used others to enhance my self esteem. First it was Madi, the R, then you. I’m trying to look good in connection although feeling inadequate in myself. I wish I could establish a self I could believe in. That would be better for everyone. 

Maybe I should not do the class in the same room with you. 

Maybe I can become someone to believe in. 


When you kept asking me to account for the past and make sure it wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t know how to do that. I don’t exactly remember the situations from the past and I don’t want to say I won’t do things again that end up hurting you. Even if those actions never come from desire to hurt you. Guys who say they won’t do it again always do. 

I’m not going to promise not to do something that I never understood how it all came about what motivated it in the first place. 


I canceled that class with T in it. Last week of December and first week of January 2022. I don’t want to do two portrait classes in a row anyway anymore. To hard. 


What after this. I could do some acting I guess. Or that Standup comedy act. 

I have lived too long worrying about what other people think and I can’t do that anymore. 

Part of this was sent to T. It was not responded to. I feel I’m being shunned by someone who is very angry. Someone who also felt entitled to rage at me on more than one o


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