A Dairy December 16, 2021

 I’m still upset about T shunning me.

I want to write to her again even though I said that I would not. 

I wrote her another email this morning but didn’t send it.

“I'm so sorry that I hurt you so badly that you will not interact with me.

I keep wondering what ultimately did that. Did it have something to do with me saying that I noticed my pot use is connected to my social anxieties.  

I assure you that I was not blaming you for my use. After all I used it before you were born. 

THe facts are ant the way I really feel about it is that are the easiest peopsrn ever for me to live with and I always felt totally loved and sheltered with you.”

One of the other models who I told what is going on says, “She’s a strange bird.”

Of course I defended her with, “Yes but she is a really kind person.” And it’s true, she is. That’s why I love or loved her, or tried to anyway. One thing she just doesn’t understand the weight of the age gap between us. That was a beautiful thing about her but also set up some expectations of me that I couldn’t measure up to


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Mar 24, 2022

 These are not really good times for me.  I'm in Mexico which was supposed to be an improvement, but I just do not like it here and don't feel I belong. Meanwhile my younger brother, 6 years younger, died the day after I arrived here. I have gone to Evensville Indiana and visited him on the way here. I was with him two days before he died.  I had sad dreams last night about Tara, the woman I pushed out of my life last year. I had not intended that she would cut me off and not respond to messages I sent and walk away from me at the place we worked in NYC. I was trying to make up with her in the dreams which I guess is not going to happen.  I wish I would just die now too. I'm just tired of my life and old anyway. I'm planning to go back to NYC in June so maybe things with somehow reset and be BETTER then.  On the way there I am going to Ohio for a memorial service for my brother. 
Read more

A Diary Dec 13, 2021

  Riding to work on the subway from Harlem where I am cat sitting for another week. Same as last week. Standby for morning class where I usually have to hang around for 3.5 hours if they don’t use me.  Last week I got high in the morning which put me in nap mode in the cafe. This week I’m not going to use in the morning. It makes my days too hard to do that plus I have chest muscle pain when it makes me cough from previous violent coughing.  Still thinking about T a lot. I had a sort of dream where I was permitted to hug her. It was nice. It all it starting to feel like long ago I had this person I could be close to who loved me. It feels kind of impossible now. I don’t feel like the kind of man who needs to be blocked on Facebook. I was really quite loving toward T, it was easy. That’s the way I feel about her. I should have handled the past few months differently than I did. I let things unravel much further than I ever intended. I just wanted to live in NYC again, and ...
Read more

January 10, 2022

  I was thinking about T and how she was so kind and loving to be but showed me long held resentment later: There was probably more acting as if going on than I was really aware. Maybe a lot more buried anger than I knew, only seeing rare surface eruptions.  I’m probably just trying to talk myself out of missing her company, of needing her.  However much she was acting as if, she was wonderful to be with pretty much all of the time. The big issue now is that I have to move from this apartment in 2.5 months. This scares me a lot, but I also see it as a good opportunity to change gears completely and go live somewhere else. The options are try to find a new living situation in NYC and continue working at ASL and other modeling to finance in all, or leave NYC, which to me means leave the USA because I don’t really want to live anywhere else in the horrible country. Why horrible? The whole history of the place is nothing but death and exploitation which destroying any other c...
Read more