A Dairy December 14, 2021

 I keep wanting to communicate with T.


I saw her at work this morning and walked over to say “hi”. 

She got up and moved away from me. 

They are not using me at work today so I wrote this email to her:


“I don’t understand why I need to be blocked and shunned. 

I don’t see myself as aggressively abusive, but you are entitled to block who you need to. I will never look at you or approach you again. Sorry about this morning when you were just trying to show up for work.  (It makes the work situation harder with this added emotional pain.) 

I had hoped that by moving out and being sober we could eventually have a better relationship than before. But that didn’t work out that way and I know I didn’t handle it correctly. Now I’m just heartbroken because you were the center of my life for many years. 

Sometimes I wish Jill’s mom’s place never happened and I would have just stayed with you. But since it has come out how unhappy you were with me. 


Anyway this message is that I’m not a stalker. Fear not. 

“Ok, bye!””


On the other hand. I’m more free now to do, well, anything. I’m pretty tired of modeling as it is so if T is going to make it more unhappy all the more reason to do something else. It would be great to be out of here by summer and move then. If I stay in New York I have to keep working. I’m getting tired of working. 

But I’m better at working if I don’t use pot before. It makes the time just crawl.


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